One of these men is drunk.
7:59 PM: Nice to see you again, everybody. Tonight’s live blog is brought to you by Smuttynose IPA.
8:00 PM: Bruce!
8:02 PM: Bruce has definitely aged since we saw him last. Has “We Take Care Of Our Own” been misappropriated yet? Nice to see Max back after a heart bypass. And Nils after a hip replacement. Christ, these guys are getting up there. Ah, at least Uncle Little Steven is still fugly.
8:04 PM: OK – that rocked. Sir Paul has bought his new favorite fashion accessory – Joe Walsh – with him tonight. Nice.
8:06 PM: Our all-time favorite celebrity sighting at a strip bar has to be L.L. at some place in Long Island City back in ’99.
8:07 PM: He’s fucking PRAYING? Christ – a Whitney drinking game tonight would rule if it wouldn’t be completely suicidal.
8:08 PM: How pissed off is Etta James’ ghost right now? She’s finally set to get her proper due and then Whitney croaks and totally upstages her. Etta is the Rodney Dangerfield of dead, black, female R&B singers.
8:11 PM: Bruno Mars’ lid is outrageous.
8:15 PM: Bruno’s band is absolutely shit-hot. The whole ’60s soul revival thing of the last couple of years is the gift that keeps on giving. A gold megaphone? Slick.
8:20 PM: It may take us a few minutes tonight to get our groove. We’re working on a brand new laptop with a weird keyboard layout. Dude, we didn’t get Adele.
8:21 PM: Get it – Adele? Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, God… What kind of keyboard is Alicia Keys playing? A Rhodes? This is classy.
8:24 PM: Bruno Mars just had a temper tantrum when he lost. That was excellent.
8:25 PM: Going on a pub crawl with Adele would be a total blast.
8:27 PM: Wait – Rhianna’s on tonight as well, right? That’s… odd.
8:29 PM: What the fuck is the point of Chris Brown?
8:31 PM: Christ, it’s 8:30 and we haven’t even started drinking yet! Mike Love is going to be on our television soon – we need to create some sort of buffer.
8:34 PM: Chad Ochocinco just compared Bruno Mars to Frankie Lymon on Facebook. Spot on, Ocho.
8:36 PM: If Marc Anthony was a dog, he’d be a chihuahua.
8:38 PM: Reba McEntire no longer uses her last name? What a dipshit.
8:39 PM: There’s nothing worse than some goddamn Republican with lunch lady arms saying “make love”. Nothing.
8:41 PM: Why is there a spinning cog on stage with them? Are they supposed to be inside a huge clock?
8:50 PM: That’s the problem with the Foo Fighters – there’s just nothing to say about them. They’re just… fine. Shockingly decent, even. Grohl OD’d on coffee once, too, which is a point in his favor. God, this song is fucking Foo Fighters by numbers. Eh… they’re a nice anonymous rock & roll band. Next!
8:51 PM: Wait – who the fuck is Foster The People and why are they sharing a stage with the Beach Boys? And will any of them even know that Dave Marks was only in the band for, like, six months when he was 14? This doesn’t smell right, people.
8:53 PM: Hell, the Master Card commercial about Buenos Aires was the most entertaining thing since Bruno Mars. On a related note, the Argies are a Stones-mad people.
8:58 PM: Rhianna and Coldplay. Good God. Wait – where the hell is Coldplay?
9:00 PM: Apparently Gwyneth remembered to give Chris Martin his ritalin this morning.
9:03 PM: Rhianna’s wearing actual ’70s-style hot pants. Christ – who are we… Rob Sheffield?
9:04 PM: Looks like the ritalin is wearing off!
9:06 PM: Off to grammy.com to see who won all the non-televised awards.
9:08 PM: “Electronic music producer Skrillex sat in the front row, perhaps anticipating a fortunate night. During one of his three wins surrounding his Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites album. Raising a shiny gold GRAMMY statue above his head, Skrillex gushed in disbelief that only a year ago he’d been living illegally in a warehouse space in downtown Los Angeles, recording in his bedroom. “This is the most surreal moment of my life,” he said of his new status as GRAMMY winner.” Dude, you just played the role of Jim Morrison with the three surviving Doors and this was the most surreal moment of your life? Perspective, kid – perspective. Fuckin’ Skrillex.
9:12 PM: UMass representing.
9:13 PM: Dude, Manningham literally cannot speak. What the fuck?
9:15 PM: Always nice to be reminded that Pat Smear is back in the Foos. What’s with the dude with the moustache? He looks like Stephen Stills on a coke bender in 1979. Who shouted out “Long live rock & roll!”? Must’ve been Taylor Hawkins – that seems to be his style.
9:17 PM: “The ambitious ‘Smile Sessions’”?
9:19 PM: Adam Levine looks a hell of a lot like Rod Serling.
9:20 PM: The white Fenders and the striped shirts are a nice touch, Foster The People people. That singer’s fucking annoying, though.
9:21 PM: OK, let’s go – Mike Love Not War!
9:22 PM: Brian got into Chris Martin’s ritalin.
9:23 PM: This sounds wonderful. Mike Love, you odious son of a bitch, it’s good to see you again.
9:24 PM: Ladies and gentlemen, the elfin Al Jardine!
9:24 PM: Love just meditated. Awesome. What a wonderful douchebag!
9:25 PM: Brian looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there, but that was so much better than anyone had any reason to expect. Spilling a little IPA out on the carpet for Carl & Denny.
9:30 PM: Rudy Van Gelder got one – nice! He’s a legend.
9:31 PM: Stevie’s looking slim.
9:33 PM: Whod’ve thunk we’d all see the day where Ringo has a better voice than Paul?
9:35 PM: Paul looks like a Batman villain, with that Kiwi Brown hair and what appears to be a straightjacket. “WHY SO CHEEKY?”
9:36 PM: Holy shit – a Gil Scott-Heron tribute?
9:37 PM: Common’s rocking the shaved head and floating beard – only otherwise seen on Isaac Hayes and Kevin Youkilis.
9:38 PM: Is this She & Him?
9:41 PM: Hey – it’s the retarded cat herself, the ironically-titled Ms. Swift! Wouldn’t be a BTRNR Grammy Live Blog without you, darling!
9:42 PM: Taylor’s rocking that banjo like she’s Steve Jones.
9:43 PM: This might be a violation of the Mann Act or something, but Taylor Swift is pretty goddamn cute.
9:50 PM: Adele’s last name is Atkins? Oh shit… there’s a joke in there somewhere that we’re not even gonna touch. She’s loaded right now, isn’t she? What’s up with the 15 second speeches?
9:54 PM: Damn – I thought a fuse blew.
9:57 PM: Dirk Spenton? That’s kind of a kick-ass name.
9:59 PM: Antebellum, give a shout to Jesus! Nope? Nothing?
10:02 PM: Here we are, going into the final hour. So far, nothing really too memorable beyond Bruno Mars and the Beach Boys. Come on, Grammys – let’s make the myths!
10:05 PM: It’s the ritalin connection herself! Is Gwyneth juicing? Those are some serious fuckin’ shoulders.
10:09 PM: You know what’s good about Adele? No bullshit whatsoever. If anyone else did this song, people would be suspended from the rafters.
10:14 PM: Schroeder.
10:18 PM: Why doesn’t anyone ever mention the guitar part in “Mary, Mary” when they’re talking about Glen Campbell?
10:19 PM: Holy shit, we haven’t heard “Southern Night” or whatever it was called since we were 5. Totally forgot this song existed for the last three and a half decades.
10:22 PM: Has Glen always sounded like Neil Young?
10:24 PM: Not to be a complete dick, but it’s really saying something when a 70 year old guy with Alzheimer’s has more stage presence than anyone else seen tonight.
10:24 PM: Hey – the Memphis Horns! And George Jones’ lid!
10:25 PM: Did they just say some chief called Dead Mouse was coming on? Dead Mouse? That’s seriously vacant.
10:27 PM: Did Flav just say “Yeeeeaaah, boy! A Jew!”?
10:33 PM: Butt-head on Tony Bennett: “His whole head sucks” That’s gotta be a rug, right? Not just on top, but the whole damn thing? Tony’s like Telly Savalas under there, right?
10:34 PM: This Bon Iver dude… he looks kind of like Bonehead from Oasis, except bearded. Seems like a mellow chappie. His music, though – no, we’re not having that, thank you.
10:36 PM: OK, even though it was in the background, a vintage shot of Mr. John Rotten just graced our screens. And we may have peed a little bit.
10:38 PM: Anthony Kiedis is rocking an interesting look – handlebar and bowl cut. Hey – Elvis Costello! Looking exactly like Elvis Costello!
10:42 PM: Death Roll Call! That’s all for Winehouse? Nick Ashford – style icon. Lieber… Dobie Gray… Benny Spellman… Ragovoy, wrote “Time Is On My Side”… Jansch… Bill Morrissey died? Hmmm… Gary Moore, ok… Hubert Sumlin – that sucked… ah, shit – The Big Man.
10:45 PM: OK, here’s the thing about cocaine. It’s obviously not good for you. But if you’re rich and kind of an idiot, funny things happen. To wit:
So there you have it – Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston just dropping in on Ariel Sharon to talk about shit. See, it’s things like this which make people wear those “Cocaine” t-shirts in the Coca-Cola font. Because really, has there ever been a greater source of or reason for humor in music than blow? Of course not! So for that photo above, Whitney, Born To Rock & Roll thanks you. R.I.P.
10:52 PM: Is Chris Brown tougher than leather?
10:53 PM: What’s up with that DJ? He looks French…
10:54 PM: This shit’s ok, but it’s no Skrillex.
10:56 PM: What’s up with the freaky Mickey Mouse heads? See, it’s shit like this that makes me know I’m turning 40 in two months: the kids are fucking stupid.
11:05 PM: Is this the chick who showed her boob on the Today Show? Wait – what the hell’s going on here?
11:07 PM: This totally mitigates L.L.’s prayer three hours ago. Amen.
11:09 PM: Accent aside, you know she’s British because who else would be namedropping a ‘Ronan’?
11:11 PM: Hey Jethro, button up that shirt.
11:12 PM: And fank you, Adele!
11:18 PM: Diana Ross titled her autobio “I Am A Sparrow”. ‘Nuff said.
11:20 PM: What’s with these weird electronic farty noises that keep popping up tonight? Alright – another Adele bon mot incoming!
11:21 PM: She’s already won 14 awards – why is she losing it now? Somefing’s up with that!
11:23 PM: Nice lyric botch, L.L. Holy shit - Abbey Road!
11:24 PM: Paul’s a much better screamer than crooner.
11:28 PM: This is awesome. Fucking Joe Walsh is back! Wait – Bruce? Grohl? Excellent.
11:29 PM: Bruce is choking the Tele.
11:30 PM: Holy shit, that was outstanding.
11:31 PM: Wait – that’s it? Alrighty – thanks for joining the party!
