Born To Rock & Roll

7:58 – Good Evening, everybody!  Just give us a sec to finish our fried rice…

8:02 – Lady GaGa really makes me wish Beavis & Butt-head were still on the air.

8:03 – It’s Elton, of course.  Looks like he passed out backstage and got Sharpie’d.

8:06 – And my fortune cookie reads “You are going to have new clothes”.  That just seems appropriate right now.

8:09 – Jeff Beck with the Sgt. Pepper vest… it’s gonna be a long night.

8:10 – Finally, someone comes out and acknowledges that Susan Boyle looks like Bill Berry.

8:13 – Beyonce can’t accept an award because she’s backstage getting dressed.  And that right there is what’s wrong with the music business.

8:14 – OK – Green Day.  An actual rock band.  Or not… what the fuck is this?  Someone should buy JLo a copy of Dookie, by the way.

8:15 – Remember when Green Day sparked riots, mud fights, and occasionally encored in the nude?  That was a very long time ago.

8:18 – Holy shit, this is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.

8:20 – The phrase “jumped the shark” is lame, trite, overused, lazy… and describes what Green Day just did to a T.

8:23 – Alright, fuck it.  Tonight’s gonna suck.  Let’s turn it into a drinking game.

8:24 – A Bon Jovi request line?  DRINK!

8:25 – Kristen Bell has eyes like a Great White Shark – black, glassy, and dead.

8:26 – Someone once described Taylor Swift as looking like a “retarded cat”.  I don’t really see it – but it’s a great line, regardless.  Alright – what’s with all these fucking actors?

8:29 – Beyonce’s entrance reminded me of the cover of The Professionals’ first album:

DRINK!

8:32 – And we have a frontrunner for the 2010 Juno Awards!

8:34 – Weird Al is in the house!  DRINK TWICE!

8:38 – Oh God, the “American Idiot” musical commercial.  Pour a drop into the gutter.

8:41 – Pink might not be a half-bad replacement for Steven Tyler in Aerosmith.  If nothing else, it’d be kind of funny.  Holy crap – Pink’s a dude!

8:43 – What if she pukes, spinning around like that up there?  Will they cut to commercial?  Wait – now she’s wet?  What the hell’s going on?

8:45 – Carlos Santana just had a flashback.  DRINK!

8:46 – Walter C. Miller, Trustees Award recipient – cooler than Green Day.

8:47 – No Ting Tings?  Lame.

8:51 – And the Grammys are being targeted to middle aged women with “overactive” bladders, apparently.  DRINK!

8:57 – Seriously considering watching the SNL sports clip show in a couple of minutes.

8:58 – Is that Sly?  (see post below)

9:00 – Only two more hours!  DRINK!

9:01 – “I’ve Got A Rock & Roll Heart” was actually the first Clapton song I ever heard.  Being born in the early ’70s meant that you got introduced to all the big classic rock guys when they were trying to adjust to the ’80s.  Case in point – first Lou Reed song I ever heard?  “I Love You Suzanne”.

9:08 – Just watched Derek Jeter’s SNL monologue.  It was better than this.  And if you know me, you know how much it pains me to say that.  What was that – some sort of redneck West Side Story?

9:09 – OK – the most rocking things we’ve heard all night have been in the comedy category.  Yup… I want to cry right now.  And of course Tap and Weird Al didn’t win.  DRINK!

9:11 – Adam Schlesinger gets around – The Wonders, Rachel Hunter, Bun E. Carlos, Steven Colbert…

9:14 – You know what sounds like it’d go well with Budweiser and Chinese food?  Maker’s Mark.  Let’s find out!

9:16 – Oh no – not Ringo.

9:17 – Bobby Darin – cool.  I do like that Ringo doesn’t really give a shit about anybody.  He’s the king of the uncomfortable silences.  Because he’s a fucking Beatle, of course.  Hey – a rock & roll band won an award!  They’re not very good, but hey… beggars can’t be choosers.  And they’re drunk.  DRINK!

9:20 – RDJ!  Man,  it’s looking like he’s wearing those “Oriental” gag glasses that you can’t buy anymore because they’re offensive.

9:21 – See, the OLD Green Day would have farted in autotune – just because they could.

9:22 – George Clinton is feeling no pain this evening.

9:23 – One of these days, T-Pain is gonna cover “Mr. Roboto” and it will be awesome.

9:25 – SLASH!  I love that goofy bastard!  DRINK TWICE!

9:26 – Hey – who let Adam Rich into the building?

9:32 – OK – it’s a rock award…

9:33 – How’d I miss Alice?  And Up With Green Day wins.  Wooooo.

9:35 – Chris O’Donnell?  COME THE FUCK ON!

9:36 – Leon Russell had brain surgery literally two weeks ago – he’s a tough old bastard.  Who are these screechy dickheads, anyway?

9:39 – This song could use a disco interlude like “Devil Went Down To Georgia”

9:41 – Seeing that commercial for The Wolfman makes me wish I’d got a big dish of Beef Chow Mein tonight.  Ah-oooo!

9:43 – Derek Jeter holding a guitar on SNL is cooler than the Grammys.  DRINK!  And cry.

9:47 – Stevie Nicks has the same semi-paralyzed “I did too much blow back in the day” face as Carrie Fisher.  Clearly we have no autotune going on here!  It’s actually refreshing.

9:49 – WADDY WATCHEL!  DRINK!

9:50 – OK, if you’re gonna play a banjo mandolin, do you have to wear a John Lennon cap?

9:52 –

9:54 – 3D Jacko Tribute with Celine Dion.  Anybody ever slug rye straight from the bottle?  DRINK!

9:55 – I’m so glad the last time I donned 3D glasses was for the Stones Steel Wheels Fox broadcast in 1990.  Carrie Underwood – she makes me think of Larry Underwood, the singer in The Stand – the book where everyone dies.  They were lucky.

9:57 – Not seeing Smokey in 3D – talk about dodging a bullet.

9:59 – It has to be said.  What a bunch of fucking self-righteous cunts.

10:00 – Ol’ Quincy’s looking a little, um, “up there”.  10:00 – one more hour!

10:01 – Oh no – not the kids.  Jesus.

10:02 – Who’s the army of Jacko plastic surgery clones?  Get those kids the fuck away from them!  I’m sure “Grampa Joe” has been great to have around, too.  Man, they’d better cash out when they turn 18 and get the hell out of there.

10:07 – It just goes to show, you can’t have a music-related broadcast without Sheryl Crow turning up.  GO AWAY.

10:09 – $20 says the Bon Jovi mini concert is better than Up With Green Day.  DRINK!

10:10 – So apparently Jon Bon has reinvented himself as a lobotomized John Cougar.  What a twat.

10:12 – Let’s just keep a little perspective here:

10:15 – We actually get to watch Sambora make electric burping noises for three straight minutes.  DRINK!

10:17 – Mos Def and Placido Domingo.  As it should be.

10:19 – Just missed that last award – Brady was on SNL.

10:21 – Do they do the Roll Call Of The Dead like they do at the Oscars?  I hope so.

10:22 – If Lincoln really wanted to be cool, they’d have “Major Tom” sung in German.

10:25 – Wyclef kind of rules.

10:26 – “The music business is still alive even though there ain’t no more record companies” – Wyclef definitely rules.

10:27 – Last month Andrea Bocelli was on the Today show clad head to toe in white singing “Jingle Bell Rock” with Miss Piggy and Kermit and all I could think was “Thank God he can’t see himself right now”.

10:32 – We got the big guns coming out for the stretch run.  The Dude, namely.

10:37 – Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah – get to the dead people.  Or something.

10:39 – They’re still going on about illegal downloading?  That horse left the barn ten years ago, chief.

10:40 – The comedy legend is Sandler?  Oh, what a shitshow.

10:41 – And he’s introducing Dave Matthews?  What is this, 1996?

10:45 – Dave Matthews is cooler than Billie Joe Armstrong.  God, that hurts.

10:46 – Ricky Martin?  Too bad Falco’s dead – he’d be waiting in the wings right now.

10:47 – That was a remarkably chaste moment between husband and wife – maybe the rumors about Jay-Z are true.

10:53 – Ha – if my name was “Honeyboy”, I’d wear a hat saying so, too.

10:56 – Just saw a photo of Lady GaGa from earlier tonight.  She looks like Dave Navarro if he lost a fight with a bowl of Kraft mac & cheese.       

11:00 – And we’re going late!  DEAD PEOPLE TIME!

11:01 – Seals is dead?  Little known fact – Larry Knechtel played bass on half the Doors’ first album.

11:02 – Bob Bogle, R.I.P. indeed.  Same with Ellie Greenwich.  And Johnny Fontaine!  DRINK!

11:04 – The Dude!  Lady GaGa’s an asshole, by the way.  What a fucking attention whore, dressing up like a TV antenna and looking all pouty.  At least have some fun with looking that ridiculous.  Now let’s pay tribute to Uncle Les with The Real Nigel Tufnel.  Thank God he’s not playing his Strat – that’d be a faux pas.  Goddamn, Jeff Beck just outclasses EVERYBODY.

11:08 – And before the calendar turns, let’s wish a big happy 54th to John Lydon.  DRINK!

11:12 – Wow, Quentin really is a douche, isn’t he?

11:14 – Holy shit – they just bleeped out an entire verse.  Nice to see Travis Barker rocking the Thrasher shirt.  OK – the censorship is a little ridiculous.  This autotune shit needs to stop, too.

11:18 – Can’t they just cut the mics but leave the music?  It’s a little jarring.  Typical fucking hack job.

11:23 – How much more must we endure?  Record of the year?  Album of the year?   One final surprise?  One surprise at all?  We need something.  Anything.

11:26 – This should be a good speech.  Seriously – she’s pretty psyched.

11:29 – Now wasn’t that heartwarming?  Time to catch the last half hour of Little Steven’s Underground Garage.  Thanks to everyone for checking in with us tonight, and remember:  what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

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