Born To Rock & Roll

“Everybody seems to be ready… are you ready?” - Sam Cutler

“TV party tonight!” - Black Flag

See you at 8 PM EST.

8:00 – And we’re off – good evening, everybody!

8:01 – Nice to see The Edge playing a Telecaster.  Is this the new single?  Jesus… it already looks and sounds like an iPod commercial.

8:03 – Is Bono wearing a Johnny Rotten t-shirt?  OK – the song kind of blows.

8:06 – Whitney’s pretty burnt.  Jesus…

8:09 – Something tells me The Rock is going to be the closest thing we get tonight…

8:10 – Paul’s got a new shade of brown!

8:11 – Ah, JT – the American Robbie Williams.  And that is a compliment.

8:12 – I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the good Rev. Green can’t hear himself right now.  OK… something’s a little off here.  So is Timberlake covering for Al here or what?  Al’s just the color man, it seems.  Shit – a falsetto duel!  Must be a neighborhood thing.  This is actually pretty good.  I’d love it if Steve Cropper came out and kicked Keith Urban’s ass, though.

8:17 – Beer time.

8:21 – And it’s Coldplay time.  Goddamn, Chris Martin bounces even while sitting.

8:23 – This is incogruous.

8:24 – Looks like Gwyneth forgot to give someone his ritalin this morning…

8:26 – Hey cool – another Telecaster.  Wow – is he like this all the time?  I dunno – the dude kind of rules.  Anybody that vacant is alright by me.

8:29 – Does T-Pain wish he had “Keith Urban” as a stage name instead?  It’s definitely more bad-ass.

8:31 – So apparently modern country sounds like Temple Of The Dog.

8:32 – If I ever became a rapper, my stage name would be “Leon Rhymes”.

8:34 – “God Must Be Busy”?  That’s fucking awesome.  OK – some other song I’ve never heard won instead.  Cool… people with no egos who are absolutely shitting themselves onstage!  Nice to see.  And they didn’t thank God, either – they must’ve been busy.

8:39 – I wonder what the “holy shit!” moment will be tonight… maybe Bowie looking dapper and presenting?  Dylan?

8:41 – Andy Williams is mummified!  Duffy’s cute but her voice… man.  Small doses… small doses.

8:42 – Tonight’s gonna be the coronation of Coldplay.  Awesome – another shot of Paul’s “Old Brown ‘Do”!

8:44 – If Kid Rock doesn’t show a picture of Joe C. in the montage, I’ll be pissed.  Wait – he just showed his own mugshot – that’s good enough.  That said, I do hate the guy on principle.

8:48 – Only when he’s invoking the stars & stripes & Jeebus, of course.  I dig the fact that he’s doing a medley and looks and sounds exactly like 21st Century David Lee Roth.

8:52 – Time for a another beer and to regroup.

8:54 – Miley Cyrus has those weird treasure troll eyes.  So that’s Taylor Swift?  The Temple Of The Dog girl?  Heh.

8:57 – WE HAVE A PERCY ALERT!

8:58 – We’ve gone Code Red on Percy!  Now that’ s a fucking dude right there.

8:59 – With an absolutely gargantuan nog.  Short & sweet, though – thanks, Robert.  Next time, please give a shout-out to Valhalla if you could.

9:04 – Did the Hold Steady get nominated for anything?  Because I’m dying to make a Stay Positive/ARod joke.

9:09 – Alright, it’s not very fun when all the presenters are actors in shitty CBS shows.

9:11 – Stevie!  The one guy in the room with a bigger head than Robert Plant!  So these are the Jonas Brothers, eh?  I don’t get all the hate – they’re not bad for a bunch of capons.  Stevie on the talkbox – THAT is unexpected.

9:14 – Christ on a cracker (no pun intended), these kids make Hanson look like the Nevilles.

9:15 – So it’s Blink 182.  Well I’ll be damned.  Nice to see Travis Barker not dead.

9:15 – Kings should get it but Coldplay will.

9:16 – Yup – it’s the coronation.

9:22 – Craig Ferguson both looks and sounds like he’s in Glasvegas.

9:23 – Katie Perry is making what you call an entrance.  In a fucking giant banana.  I wonder if she’ll make a Pop Mart joke to Bono at the afterparty?

9:26 – Katie’s boobs just scared the bejeezus out of the Jonas Brothers.

9:28 – Kanye’s paying homage to the cover of Can’t Slow Down this evening.

9:31 – Who doesn’t love a saucy British chick?

9:36 – And Morgan Freeman just gave Kenney Chesney more gravitas than he’s ever had before.  That’s right – gravitas.

9:40 – “Sean D. Combs”?  Really?  It’ll be Coldplay again…

9:42 – VALHALLA, I AM COMING!

9:43 – Percy has the most ridiculous non-accent I’ve ever heard.  Cotswolds meets Ozarks.

9:48 – Dean Martin – he’s been rolled when he’s been stoned…

9:50 – Jay Z’s always looked like he’s about 56.  It’s kind of funny.  This is all so very weird, though.  I wonder if Kanye’s pissed because he’s being upstaged by the whole “third trimester-Minnie Mouse-bikini” thing?

9:53 – Chris Martin’s whole “cheeky chappie” schtick is making me want to wring his neck.  Why the fuck is Kate Beckinsale presenting?  Because she’s British?  BULLSHIT.

10:00 – Give it to me, Macca.  And Grohl?  Really?  OK… honestly, he should be doing “Sing The Changes” off the new Fireman album, which is surprisingly damn good.  Holy Christ, he’s shaved off 20 years, and it’s not all due to the brown shoe polish.  He’s no longer full-on Angela Lansbury.  Good choice here with Grohl – he did a hell of a job on the Backbeat soundtrack, too, if you remember that.   I love how Grohl’s pulling the same moves as in the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video.

Holy shit – I just realized that Grohl’s playing drums for the first time in 15 years!  Apparently, he’s got another band now where he sings or something…

OK – thumbs up for Sir Paul and his new face & drummer – that did indeed rock.  Poor Ringo, he’s probably watching this on his couch, sadly flashing a peace sign at the TV screen…

10:04 – Beer time.  Thank you, Smuttynose.  OK, dollars to donuts says we’ll be seeing Jack Black on stage with Elwood Blues sometime in the next 10 years.

10:06 – And John Mayer just killed my cable signal.

10:08 – And we’re back.  Jay Mohr?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Now I know how the older kids felt with every Alan Hunter/Mark Goodman reaction shot during Live Aid.

10:12 – Dude, I’m getting Adele.

10:15 – FUCK ME – NEIL DIAMOND IS HERE!  Why did they have to announce that?  Jelvis would have been the surprise we’d all been waiting for.  If this keeps dragging, I’m about two beers away from telling the story about how I once went to a Neil Diamond concert in a full Red Sox uniform and everyone around me thought I was retarded…

10:18 – Julia Louis-Dreyfus is going to announce Album Of The Year, isn’t she.

10:19 – Please make fun of your husband, Gwyneth.

10:20 – Radiohead’s gone Tusk on us!  Wait – who let Jesse Camp up on stage?

10:21 – All these years later and Jonny Greenwood still looks like an anorexic French chick.  I’ve been lusting after that Telecaster since 1995, though – nice to see it again.

10:22 – This is surprisingly awesome.

10:28 – Master Windu is rocking the Obi-Wan beard.

10:30 – T.I. & J.T. – and apparently we’re on a 5 second delay.

10:33 – This is as good a time as any to point out that “Justin Trousersnake” is my favorite British music press nickname in the last decade.  Hey cool – subway drummers from 1989!

10:35 – Two hours 35 minutes before the first “Yes We Can” reference?  For shame!

10:40 – Hi Quincy.  OK, enough with the fucking “Yes We Cans”.  Whoa – Smokey!  Ah shit – the Four Tops are getting the Lifetime Achievement right after Levi Stubbs croaked?  Bummer.  Man – there’s only one Top left?  Wait a sec – when did Smokey become Asian?

10:46 – And here he is.  “Sweet Caroline”?  I suppose… I’d rather have “Shilo” or “Solitary Man”, though.  And Ronnie Tutt is on drums – nice!  From the TCB band itself!  Oh God, don’t do the “so good! so good! so good!” part.  Too late.  Man, does Neil knows how to deliver a line or what?  Look at him, meandering amongst the people…

OK, this is lame.

10:51 – Dead people time.

10:52 – And they just showed Mal Evans instead of Neil Aspinall.  Morons.

10:53 – Whoa – that Larry Norman, father of Christian rock seemed like quite the character.  Like Paul Williams’ bad-ass older brother.

Ahh, Black Moses.  And Federici.  And Bo.  Bo bought me a drink once.  HEY – HERE WE GO!

10:55 – Urban and Mayer?  No.  George Thorogood’s teeth would be more welcome and appropriate than those two chuckleheads.  I almost didn’t recognize Buddy Guy without a hat.

10:58 – OK, we’re in a lull.  Time for another beer and hopefully, like, Bruce running out and Bosscocking America again.

11:01 – The local news bumper just said that Coldplay was “on fire” at the Grammys.  Yes, that dude on the tympani was clearly en fuego.  Oh fucking hell – Lt. Dan?  Really?

11:03 – New legs, Lt. Dan!  New legs!

11:04 – Titanium, like the Space Shuttle!

11:06 – Not sure about the dancers, but Alan Toussaint is the definition of class.

11:09 – And that was the highlight of the show.  Christ, they could have gone on for another 10 minutes, no sweat.  Hey everybody – you all just got upstaged by a guy with a tuba!

11:10 – Hey cool – Urkel!

11:12 – That Dylan/Will. I. Am. juxtaposition in the Pepsi ad is a little… off.

11:18 – Oh shit – from the darkest depths of Mordor… PERCY!

11:19 – When this man was 20, he once pranced down the isle of a commercial airliner singing at the top of his lungs “Toilets!  Toilets for Robert!”  Just trying to keep things in perspective here.

11:21 – This is really, really good.  I can see why he doesn’t want to go out on the road with Zeppelin – he’s clearly on to something here.  Good for him.  Toilets for Percy.  Yes indeedy.

11:23 – My boys!  Slick blazer, Billie Joe.

11:25 – Nice!  Tre Cool & Robert Plant shaking hands – never thought I’d ever see that on live TV.

11:26 – You don’t play over Robert Plant unless you’re Jimmy Page.  Give me a fucking break.

11:30 – Wow.  What an anticlimax.  Stevie, how about a rave-up here?  Oh Christ… commercials over Stevie Wonder?  A shitshow of the first degree!

So I guess that’s it!  This was fun – thanks to everyone who stopped by our little party tonight.

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