Get your velvet and satin finery ready. See you at 8!
7:57PM: Here we are, coming to you from the land of ice and snow, for the 5th straight year. Most of the awards have actually already been given out. Brian Wilson won for the big SMiLE box set – score one for him and Van Dyke! And somewhere in Los Angeles, a man named Love fumes…
Other big winners?
8:01 PM: What the fuck’s up with the guy on the flaming trike?
8:03 PM: Oh, it’s her – the ironically named Ms. Swift. Taylor’s getting pretty sassy for a mere retarded cat.
8:04 PM: Make the clowns go away now.
8:05 PM: Hey look – it’s Bagger Vance!
8:06 PM: Are they gonna wheel out one of the Whitney wax things from Madame Tussaud’s? That would rule.
8:08 PM: It’s kind of strange that J.T. is now the face of Memphis music.
8:09 PM: L.L. is still cool, but let’s face it – he’ll never top the white deodorant incident from ’91.
8:11 PM: What’s scary is that Elton’s hair color now looks more natural than McCartney’s.
8:12 PM: It was nice of Elton to dress up as Robin Gibb tonight. A fitting tribute.
8:14 PM: We are not nearly drunk enough to be doing this. Time to start working on that.
8:15 PM: Jesus Christ, she’s everywhere.
8:18 PM: Wasn’t expecting a testicular cancer shout out so quickly.
8:20 PM: I finally realized who Pitbull looks like – insane Red Sox reliever Alfredo Aceves!
8:21 PM: Dude, we’re getting Adele. Again.
8:23 PM: fun. has to be Canadian, right?
8:24 PM: fun. is the Chumbawumba of the 21st Century.
8:24 PM: What the fuck’s up with that guy’s feet?
8:25 PM: OK, the rain is interesting. Pretentious, but interesting.
8:29 PM: That State Farm ad raised the bar on all things annoying.
8:33 PM: John Mayer – a velvet Good Humor man.
8:34 PM: This stage set reminds me of the Liberty Tree Mall in Danvers, MA, for some reason.
8:35 PM: Who the fuck are these people, anyway?
8:39 PM: I think we just saw footage of Dick Clark’s first stroke.
8:41 PM: When someone’s got a tattoo on their forehead, what more is there to say? Fuck, this is going to be a long night. Wait – that was the whole song?
8:42 PM: And naturally, it segues into a country award. Hope Eric Church wins – he put out an album called CHIEF.
8:43 PM: Nope – it’s Carry Underwear.
8:44 PM: Glory to God! Drink.
8:46 PM: A Grammy moment from 1968 (photo courtesy of Psycho Jello):
There had better be a tribute or there will be hell to pay.
8:50 PM: Tim McGraw’s lid must weigh 12 pounds.
8:53 PM: fun. gives good speech. OK – Johnny’s taking the Keith thing a little too far…
8:55 PM: And now, a word from Liam Gallagher:
“Everyone looks like they’ve got fucking nits and eat lentil soup with their sleeves rolled up. They all look like they live on the heath. Maybe that’s where they record. Everyone’s fucking Don McLean — far too many acoustic guitars, no style,” he continued. “They look like they shop at Oxfam. I wouldn’t put any posters up of any band if I was a 16-year-old lad. There’s none of that sitting down on fucking stools for me, sweetheart.”
8:57 PM: Mumford, when your head weighs about 30 lbs, the shitty beard doesn’t really give you a jawline. Nice try, though.
9:02 PM: Marc Bolan for cop shows. And Tropicana or whatever this is obviously never got the memo that “Good Day Sunshine” was Paul’s ode to weed. Christ, people are stupid.
9:04 PM: The bile is rising. We need more booze!
9:05 PM: Is it coincidental that the black part of Beyonce’s dress is proportional to the area of the Superdome that lost power last week?
9:06 PM: The return of Trousersnake! He really does know how to mach schau – you’ve gotta hand it to him.
9:10 PM: There is nothing false about that falsetto – credit where it’s due.
9:12 PM: Peace God? Nas is 5’1″.
9:13 PM: Chris Brown is more pissed off than Mike Love right now.
9:13 PM: Frank Ocean is completely baked.
9:20 PM: Grohl with the actress born to play Courtney Love in the eventual biopic! Stacked Actors, indeed.
9:23 PM: The beard and the motorcycle leather don’t really work together, El Camino.
9:24 PM: Goddamn, Adam Levine’s voice is grating.
9:30 PM: I’d love to watch a drink-off between Kelly Clarkson and Adele. It’d be like that one in Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Just brutal.
9:34 PM: We’re at the halfway point. Not watching Walking Dead – honestly.
9:36 PM: Rhianna puts the hash in hashtag.
9:38PM: Nice fucking toque, asshole.
9:40 PM: Here we go again, being all Rob Sheffield and talking about what they’re wearing. We’re happy to let you know that we had a nice chat with him about the Monkees at a pizzeria a few months ago. Huge fan. Solid dude. Looks like the mother in Gremlins.
9:41 PM: Jacket of the night right there… Shit – there we go again.
9:43 PM: Jay-Z looks like he’s 55 years old. Always has…
9:43 PM: Parental Advisory retro headgear!
9:44 PM: Everyone who got a lifetime achievement award is dead.
9:46 PM: BOBCAT!
9:49 PM: Hell, maybe we’ll live blog the Country Music Awards on April 7th.
9:51 PM: Dr. John’s headgear rules. Gris Gris, indeed. El Camino has some sick tone coming out of what might very well be a plastic guitar.
9:52 PM: Katy Perry is violating all of CBS’s sideboob rules yet they keep cutting back to her. Someone’s getting fired.
9:53 PM: OK, that rocked.
9:54 PM: We were wrong – Carole King is not dead. That jazz bassist might still be kicking, too. Speaking of dead, tonight’s Roll Call Of Death is going to be absolutely epic.
9:59 PM: Shit – they’re uncaged! Look out!
10:00 PM: Man, 35 years ago these guys would have been Orleans. Or Atlanta Rhythm Section.
10:02 PM: They just showed the Los Angeles subway system on TV! Nobody believed me when I told them it existed (namely my friends in LA)! Vindication!
10:05 PM: Oh shit – the Bob Marley tribute. This won’t be pretty. Christ, even L.L. sounds white when he tries to put on a Jamaican patois.
10:06 PM: Bruno is the definition of crossover. I know a 1 year old who is obsessed with him and a 67 year old who has him as her ringtone. And yes, I was fucking shocked that my mom knows what a ringtone is.
10:07 PM: Holy shit – Taylor Swift dancing. THAT was funny.
10:09 PM: Things have taken a turn for the bizarre. Bruno & Sting in a “Hyooooooo” contest?
10:13 PM: Bob Marley’s boring as shit but that was just kind of… tasteless. And when BTRNR is calling something tasteless, you know it’s gotta be really bad.
10:15 PM: ”I’m getting dizzy”
10:18 PM: It must be getting close. Spark one up for Davy, pour one out for Yauch, and get low for Duck.
10:21 PM: So this is the Lumineers? Why the fuck is everybody so scared of rocking these days? Seriously – electric guitars have become anathema and it’s fucking pathetic. If this also disgusts you, come see Noisy-Le-Grand’s first show in 7 years – and last show ever – Friday, March 1st at Trash Bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn!
10:22 PM: Noel Gallagher on Jack White – “He looks like Zorro on doughnuts!” Still the greatest line ever.
10:23 PM: OK, looks like he brought both bands with him tonight.
10:25 PM: The whole Tele with a Bigsby thing is weird. Just get a Strat if you need to wang that bad. This is good, though, Torreador Blanco.
10:26 PM: Ha! Katy’s boobs are causing feedback!
10:27 PM: That was a little unnecessary, but fuck it. And fun. is cleaning up. Turns out they’re from Brooklyn, not Canada. That is… saddening.
10:39 PM: While we’re standing here watching commercials and eagerly anticipating more Carry Underwear and the Levon Helm tribute… what is it about The Band that is so fucking special? They’re terrible. Strained harmonies, shitty drumming, the whole rustic pose thing, waaaay too much cocaine and pretty much everything else, lousy songs – they basically suck. Yeah, Levon may have been a cool guy who had hoedowns at his farm upstate – and he did do a hell of a job narrating Elvis ’56 – and hey, The Band was great when they were backing up Dylan in ’66… but they’re fundamentally a shitty band derailed by drugs and ego. If Martin Scorsese hasn’t made that shitty movie, would anybody even care about them? What’s the appeal?
10:40 PM: OH MY GOD – PRINCE WENT BLIND!
10:42 PM: So wait – this guy’s Belgian?
10:43 PM: And his name’s not pronounced “Got ya”? We’re out of the loop. This is 40, people.
10:44 PM: Oh, this is not ending in 15 minutes. Good thing we’ve got the reserve beers in the fridge.
10:45 PM: An obscure Men Without Hats song resurrected for a Tide ad?
10:49 PM: The Brubeck thing sounds a little off.
10:52 PM: This is a great time to frontload for the home stretch, by the way.
10:53 PM: DEAD TIME
10:55 PM: So Earl Scruggs did “Five Piece Chicken Dinner”? Davy didn’t get enough love.
10:57 PM: No, sorry, this is bullshit. Levon does not get top billing when Duck doesn’t even get a note played in his honor. Fuck that. Oh Christ, who are these assholes? Zac Brown? Oh, fuck right off. And Mumford? DRINK.
11:01 PM: Mavis Staples is not preventing this from being the whitest thing we’ve seen all night.
11:02 PM: Elton’s voice is shot.
11:03 PM: Seriously – how many people there even know who Levon Helm is? What a fucking sham.
11:09 PM: We’re still here – we’re just still ruminating on the whole Levon thing.
11:12 PM: Holy shit – he’s singing about Gump? Seriously? What the fuck is going on here? It’s not even a song! This is the guy getting all the hype? Wow.
11:14 PM: And he’s doing the Conquistador, to boot. This is unprecedentedly vacant.
11:14 PM: Whistling?
11:16 PM: Adele’s the only person there with a sense of humor or any self-awareness at all.
11:17 PM: MUMFORD, YOU FUCKING NIT.
11:18 PM: Anybody else feeling kind of depressed right about now?
11:23 PM: Holy shit – Motown: The Musical would be more entertaining that the shitshow being foisted upon us tonight.
11:25 PM: Chuck D’s still rocking the Pirates hat! Nice!
11:27 PM: ”Refuse to lose”? Coach Cal approves of this. So do we – this rocks. YAUCH TRIBUTE! YEAH!
11:29 PM: Commercials over this? Fuck you, Grammys. Fuck you right in the ear.
11:30 PM: Well, our last sentiment pretty much ties it all together in a pretty little bow. What a disaster. Thanks for following and see you next year!